Stepping into this role is rarely something we plan for. Most often, it happens suddenly — and the weight of it can feel overwhelming, surreal, and deeply isolating. Here, we draw on the wisdom of people who have been there, to help you find your footing.
On this page
Come to terms
Get practical
Ask for help
Take care of yourself
Whether you're now caring for a partner, parent, child, sibling, or friend, the responsibility of it — the love and the fear wrapped together — can leave you wondering how on earth you're going to get through this.
You might find yourself searching things like "my mother has cancer, what do I say" or "my husband is dying, what can I do" — and finding that the internet doesn't have the answer you're really looking for. That's because what you need isn't information. It's someone who understands.
There are, though, some things that can help you find your footing as you go.
Come to terms
The first days are going to be emotional. That's not a problem to solve — it's just true.
Violet Guide Wendy says being thrown into this role without warning, without experience, and without knowing what to do is one of the most disorienting things a person can face.
"Before you can focus on anything else, it's important to give yourself time and space to adjust. Violet Guides can help you put the flurry of panicked activity aside and focus on what matters most right now. They've been there before. They know what it's like to suddenly find yourself caring for someone in the last stage of life — so you'll be supported by someone who really understands."
Get practical
Once you're ready, sorting out the practical side of things can soften the days ahead and free up some of your mental energy.
A simple binder or diary — something that brings everything into one place — can make an enormous difference. Consider mapping out:
Medical appointments
Medication
Care needs
Complementary therapies such as nutrition, naturopathy and acupuncture
Household maintenance
Care of children or dependants, if relevant
Finances and legal matters
Important contacts
Having it all in one place means it's easy for you to refer to — and easy for someone else to step in if you need a break.
Ask for help
You may be the primary person holding all of this together, but you don't have to do it alone.
Building your own support network will help you through the hard days and find pockets of peace and joy in between.
Create your own care team. Call on friends, family, and community. You're not imposing. Most people are waiting to be asked — they just don't know how to offer. Letting people know what you actually need can ease the physical, emotional, and practical load of caring for someone in the last stage of life. And it saves everyone from the awkward "just let me know if you need anything."
Think ahead about what support might look like as things change. Help looks different at different times. You might draw on your GP, social workers, therapists, Violet Guides, support workers, allied health professionals, hospices, and palliative care at different points. Choose what feels right for your situation — and know that it's okay for that to change.
Take care of yourself
Looking after yourself might feel like the last thing you have time for. But your own wellbeing matters — for you, and for the person you love.
Caring for someone over time can lead to a kind of deep exhaustion — emotional, physical, and spiritual. Small, consistent acts of self-care can build the resilience you'll need for what's ahead. Living fully in the moments between the harder ones is part of how people get through this.
"You need to take care of yourself. Even ringing a friend every day, a cup of tea, or taking your dog for a walk." — Beate, who cared for her mother through the last stage of her life
Some small rituals that can help:
Nurture your body. Eat as well as you can, rest when you're able, and move — even a ten-minute walk around the block counts.
Protect small moments just for you. Fifteen minutes at the start and end of each day to breathe and reconnect can help you stay grounded. Make those moments sacred.
Practise gratitude. Finding something small to be thankful for each day — even on the hardest days — can help you feel steadier than you might expect.
"Definitely take time and get out of the house, and try to clear your head. Because it's just so valuable. It can change your whole outlook for the rest of the day." — Geraldine, whose daughter died at 34 after living for five years with a rare form of stomach cancer.
Caring for someone in the last stage of life is one of the most profound things a person can do. There will be hard moments — of course there will. But there will also be unexpected closeness, moments of real tenderness, and a deeper connection with both yourself and the person you love.
Many people find that this role brings a surprising sense of meaning and purpose. Holding space for the tender moments as they arise — and letting yourself be changed by them — can be one of the ways you carry yourself through the unknown.
Violet is here to help you do that.